Say Hello to the iWantYourMoneyPhone

Welcome another source of wasting your precious life staring away at a small screen.
So, talking on your cellphone while driving wasn't distracting enough? Searching the internet too? That Blackberry just too boring and too cheap for that rush hour commute?
Need something thats almost the same, except pricier?
Enter the iPhone, the newest in the generation of gadgets designed to waste your time.
Not only can you talk to people, and surf the web, and receive e-mail, you can also:
Watch videos in widescreen!
Call people by tapping their entry in the address book!
Surf the internet with sites such as Google, Yahoo, and other popular search sites!
Transfer your bookmarks onto your iPhone!
Download iTunes!

Plans start at $59.99 for 450 minutes! Why so little? Because, goshdarnit! you'll be too busy surfing the internet, chatting on sites, listening to your iTunes, and sending e-mail with the touch screen keyboard to talk! Besides, everyone knows that we're all going to be wired to computers soon anyways (thankfully there's a cure for that).

So, here's the rundown:

Pay $499 (4GB) or $599 (8GB) for your brand-spanking-new iPhone.
Pay $60-70-100 (plus tax) a month for 450-900-1350 minutes (respectively) and 200 SMS, and 5000-Unlimited Nights and Weekends.
Sell your iPod, iPod Nano, iPod Shuffle (oh, I know you have all of those, you Apple-lover you) to help pay for the bills.
Spend the rest of your life doing nothing but staring at a small screen all day, ignoring the people around you unless they send you an e-mail, and eventually live out of your bedroom, buying groceries over Peapod and selling yourself to your neighbors to keep your connection going on your iPhone because OHNOES your life will end if your iPhone dies.

AND NOW!!!
SUPER BONUS!!!
RECIPE FOR iPHONE!!!

1. Take iPod Video, Cell Phone, Laptop Computer, Blackberry.
2. Put in Blender on High for 15 minutes.
3. ????
4. PROFIT!!